I know this song is old. Everyone has told me. It's not old in Germany. I first heard it three weeks ago and I love it so leave me in peace about it, ok?

I just remember listening to this song like the second night I was home, and being really upset over a fight with my parents and crying and this song was just like ... how I felt. I came back to make things better and then I was there crying so so hard ... all these fun things I wanted to do, falling away.

And I was just going ...

are we having fun yet?

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'
Tired of livin' like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling

This is how you remind me
This is how you remind me of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking
I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head scream "are we havin' fun yet?"

It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
Cause livin' with me must have damn near killed you

This is how you remind me of what I really am
This is how you remind me of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking
I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head scream "are we havin' fun yet?"

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'

This is how you remind me
This is how you remind of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking
I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head scream "are we havin' fun yet?"
Is this what it's like to be deaf? I feel like I can't speak. Physically ... I can speak. But I feel like I literally have something ... STUCK in my throat, that I have to get out, and I CAN'T SAY IT.

It's not that I can't say it. It's that I don't know what it is. If I did, I wouldn't be able to say it. But it's all tied in. And I just keep thinking ... if I type enough, try to figure it out long enough, then eventually it'll work, and this nervous, anxious, upsetting feeling will go away.

And it's not going to. I don't know my problem and typing it probably wouldn't help, I need to scream and cry and I can't and it wouldn't matter if I could because I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.

So I keep typing these journal entries, one after another, hoping, praying, that somehow, one of these times, whatever is WRONG with me is going to surface and someone is going to SEE and KNOW and tell me what to do.

And it's impossible, because how can anyone do what I can't do to help myself?

I feel so ... broken. And cut off. I have never really felt like this before. Even before, when I was depressed, I just didn't care. I'd sleep all day and cry and it didn't matter, I didn't care.

But now ... it's like there's something horrible, breaking me inside, eating away at me and I don't know what it IS ... I don't know how to make it go away and it makes me feel so SICK.

And I know I have to readjust to America but I CAN'T, but I was never even really ever unadjusted, was I? I just let myself stop caring about things and get depressed and that would be the same anywhere and I have NEVER felt this kind of confusion before and if it doesn't go away, I think I'll be sick, I don't know how this ... this HAPPENED ...

Wait, I lied. Yes I do.

I let it happen.

Oh GOD ... godgodgodgodgod I'm so ... so ... GOD I can't find the words, I KNOW I have the vocabulary but I don't have the KNOWLEDGE and I have to be the good, strong girl ... I have to be the role model when I can't do anything right and it's no wonder I fight with my parents all the time, because ANYTHING will set me off ...

I can't have my 5th grade innocence again but I don't have any newfound ... knowledge or independence and this life is breaking me ... I can feel it ... I'm not living.

I'm not living.

I am alive and I am going through the motions but I am not LIVING and that is the scariest thing I think I have ever admitted but I honestly do not feel like I am truly *living*. Alive, yes. Living, no. I'm just HERE. I'm existing. Enjoying life now and then. Occasionally. Trying to find the bright side and failing. Making things hell and trying to apologize and clean up the mess later.

And it doesn't work. It never, ever works. I went 8,000 miles away and it followed me. I came back and it was still here.

It's these fucking shadows that are chasing me and they're going to catch up to me. I don't mean LITERAL shadows, I'm not schitzo, I mean that figureatively but it's true, it's these damn shadows and I am FALLING APART.

And I am SO sorry to anyone who reads this and has to put up with my shit yet AGAIN, and feels they have to try to take time out of their ALREADY busy schedules and their life problems to deal with mine. Don't feel that way.

I'll be okay. Always am, right? Always am.

Morning smiles
like the face of a newborn child
innocent unknowing
Winter's end
promises of a long lost friend
speaks to me of comfort
but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing I'd like
better than to fall
but I fear I have nothing to give
Wind in time
rapes the flower trembling on the vine
nothing yields to shelter it
from above
they say temptation will destroy our love
the never ending hunger
but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing I'd like
better than to fall
but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
I have nothing to give
We have so much to lose.


This lonely, lonely place to me.

God. I am a nutcase. A complete wreck. I'm sorry.

~Jess

More.

Jan. 29th, 2002 04:35 pm
I've been so psycho-crazy-posting today, why not do it some more?

I love the weather. It's like spring. I used to cry when it didn't snow in the winter. Now I'm getting to be like all the grown-ups who always ... always hated the snow. When did I get to be like that?

Oh, I don't care. It's nice outside. When it's cold, even if it's sunny, it makes me sad. But it's nice.

I like my school. Even when I hate the classes. I like it because I can say, LOOK AT ME. LOOK WHAT I CAN DO. LOOK WHAT I DID RIGHT. (Look what I didn't fail ...). I can say look ... I shouldn't be here and I am and I can do it. Me. I can do something on my own. Isn't that just crazy? Me.

I have three hours of government tonight. I think I'll fall asleep and surely want to drop the class soon. But, oh well. I can do it. Right? Right?!

I just blow hot and cold here, huh? I need a job ...

But it doesn't matter.

Maybe, if I smile real pretty and fake it real good, people will be convinced that I'm happy. Maybe I will be too. (It doesn't matter that I never was before, there's a first time for everything.)

I'm already losing touch with people in Germany. That's so evil of me. (But there's still time, right? There's always time ...)

It's been a year since Bio. I can't believe that. It feels long ago but it seems like it shouldn't feel so long ago. (Like when that girl died. I can't believe how weird time is.)

I need to lose weight. I don't have the willpower to be anoerxic and I'm scared of vomiting. (That's a good thing because I don't really want to be anorexic or bulimic, just pretty. Thin. I hate the stereotype of beauty.)

I have things to do. This weekend. Me. With plans. (Can you imagine, people want to hang out with me?) That's so weird. Maybe it'll be fun. If I can just get myself to be happy, and not just wear a happy mask. (I have bad habits, ok? They'll go away.)

I like this weather. It's really pretty.

Why?

Jan. 29th, 2002 10:25 am
Why do I do this? Why do I push people away? Austin IMed me today and offered to take me out to lunch. And I said no. Because I have class. I do have class. But I doubt I really need that long to get ready.

I push and I push and I push and I expect people to keep coming back. And they do. But after awhile they give up. I don't know how I make friends in the first place, with how I act.

Why won't I do it? What am I scared of? I'm scared of people viewing me as fat or depressed or annoying or anything else. That's what I'm scared of. Only, it's not. There's something else that I can't pinpoint.

And people wonder why I have such an attitude. I have such an attitude because I'm scared to have anything else. If I act like a bitch the whole time, no one pegs me as shy or insecure. There's an excuse for everything in being bitchy.

All these fucking broken links. They're going to eat me alive.

It's like that song.I don't even remember which one, but I think it's by Sarah McLachlan.

About the shadows. All the damn shadows.

And you know? I'm not even in a bad mood right now.

love,
J
I do not believe I can go on living my life like this.

I do not believe I will ever be happy like I wish I could be.

I feel like a shell of a person. Falling away. A little more everyday.

Broken. I'm miserably broken.

Things can change so fast. In such a small amount of time.

They always change. Downhill, for me. Never the right way.

I'm such a pessimist.

"I don't really want to live this life ..."

I want my life to be happy ... how I want. Something good. Real.

Me.

nothing.

Jan. 17th, 2002 09:10 am
I just want to get home. Safely. I'm so paranoid. I'm so scared. I want things like they were before.

hello all

Aug. 27th, 2001 11:46 am
its been awhile ... what have i missed? please let me know. things are different, changing ... and aalyiah's dead? wtf? i miss you all.

love
jessie

Today.

Jul. 19th, 2001 09:11 am
I can't believe I'm leaving today. It's scary. Someday is finally today and it scares the shit out of me. I'm not ready, I'm not all packed, I'm not ready to let go of this life.

And yet, I must. Wish me luck ...

"I've been waiting for this moment for all of my life." - Phil Collins

7/18/01

Jul. 18th, 2001 01:11 pm
I do not think I am ready for this.
Yes, much too soon. Less than 36 hours, in fact, because in 26 hours I'll be over the Atlantic. In 48 hours, I'll be in Germany. Because tomorrow, I'm going to gather my stuff and get on a plane and leave my country for a year. That's a scary thought, ja? I'm not ready. My room isn't clean. It's a huge mess. I don't have everything I need, my clothes aren't all washed, and I can't carry all my bags. I'm not ready to say goodbye and Wo heissen Sie? is not going to suffice when I reach Deutschland.

So denied so I lied are
You the now or never kind
In a day and a day love
I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had
Are you cool with just tonight
Here's a toast to all those
Who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights
We felt alive
Here's to the tears
You knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Put your name on the line
Along with place and time
Wanna stay not to go
I wanna ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those
Who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights
We felt alive
Here's to the tears
You knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

All my time is froze in motion
Can't I stay an hour
Or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those
Who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights
We felt alive
Here's to the tears
You knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon


Tomorrow is going to come much too soon.

Tomorrow.

I can't even fathom.

~Jessie~
Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go
So make the best of this test
And don't ask why
It's not a question
But a lesson I learned in time

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs
And still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf of good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth
It was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable
But in the end it's right
I hope you had the time of your life


Two days. twotwotwotwotwotwotwotwotwo. I'm taking my grandmother out to lunch today ... last time I'll see her for awhile. I wouldn't really be surprised if she moved into a retirement community when I'm gone. Then there's my aunt and cousins, one of whom is extremely sad over me leaving.

Wo heissen Sie??? Yeah, now I gotta remember that.

My friend Jenn burned me two CDs and sent me a phone card. All the songs reminded her of me in someway, she said. My friend Britta bought me a photo album and painted dividers, then put different pix from different times under each. The fourth of July. The party. The fireworks. The Hood, LoL. She gave me candy for the plane ride. A cool twine-y bracelet. (I can't remember what the material is really called). Girl Interrupted, the book, cuz it's my favorite movie. And a "Box O' Stars", which has these little oragami stars on the inside where she wrote messages. One says "HawaiianMyke, need I say more?" LoL. My sister gave me an Agatha Christie book - she got me hooked. My mother gave me a guardian "Angel" (it's a cat with a halo) pin and a St. Jude (Saint of the Impossible) necklace. We're not religious but my grandma got nuns to pray for me for my driver's test and everyone prayed to St Jude ... it's this whole thing. My mom did it on hers, too. Anyway, she got medals for everyone so I'll always wear mine and she'll always wear hers .... my aunt gave me these big gold paper clips (for my schoolwork :) and a little tea-candle container, I guess it is, that says Jessica. My grandparents all gave me money.

Aren't words weird??? Isn't it strange how you can just learn so many different words and meanings and be able to put them all on paper in the right order with the right spelling so they make sense???? It's very strange, because there are so many different languages and they seem so hard to learn but yet if we can do it with ours, why not another??? Babies understand by 11 or so months (well, some of them) and we certainly have a higher maturity and comprehension level than them ...

I better go. Take Nana out!

Love
Jessie

PS: I'll miss you all.

. . .

Jul. 16th, 2001 10:30 am
So we talked all night
About the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
And I, I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
When we leave this year
We won't be coming back
No more hanging out 'cause we're on a different track
So if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now
'Cause you don't have another day
'Cause we're moving on
And we can't slow down
'Cause memories are playing like a film without sound
And I, I keep thinking on that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came to soon
And now me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone
And we would get so excited
And we'd get so scared
Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

As we go on
We remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change
From whatever
We will still be
Friends forever

So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny
Will we still remember everything we learned in school
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man
Can Heather find a job that won't interefere with a tan
And I, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

As we go on
We remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change
From whatever
We will still be
Friends forever

La, la, la, la…
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la…
We will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us round?
And will these memories fade when I leave this town?
I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
I keep on thinking it's a time to fly

As we go on
We remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change
From whatever
We will still be
Friends forever

As we go on
We remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change
From whatever
We will still be
Friends forever

As we go on
We remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change
From whatever
We will still be
Friends forever


I love that song.

A lot of them, I might not see again for years. If ever. I'm going to miss this life as I know it.

A year can be a long time.

3 days.

Jess

Hello.

Jul. 13th, 2001 12:53 am
Hello.

I'm leaving in six days.

~Jess
I'm going to the mall tonight, with Chrissy. It should be cool, 'cause I haven't seen her since the eighth grade, and that's a damn long time when you're a teenager. Two + years, really.

Next week I go to Germany. I have exactly seven days and ... 13 minutes ... from today, and I will be boarding a plane to Deutschland. I hope I spelled that right.

I'm grounded from driving. It really sucks, I had gotten attached to it and it was nice to NOT have to have someone drive me everywhere and be on their schedule. It's my own fault, but oh well. That's life.

I got a really cute Gizmo shirt at Hot Topic today. Except there was something nasty on it, so I threw it in the wash and let's just hope it comes off.

Ugh. My keyboard is making funky noises. Probably because I was banging on it, trying to get it to work earlier ... *gulps* Whoops.

I need to get a sweatshirt for Alex. And soon. And a coffee table book. And I need to start packing and making a list and all ... oh well.

I'm going to Canada tomorrow. Should be fun, I've never been there. Within the next week, I'll be in three different countries. America, Canada, and Germany. That'll make a grand total of four foreign countries I've been to - that being Canada, Germany, France, and Ireland. I'll even have my friend tied. She went to Germany, Luxembourg, Holland, and Belgium, but that was basically all at once cuz it was like a four-point border or something ... well, whatever.

I hope it doesn't REALLY take 8 hours to get to Ontario ... well, with the way my dad drives, probably not. :)

See ya!!!
Jessie

Back.

Jul. 3rd, 2001 04:21 pm
Wow, it's been awhile. (How's that song go? "It's been awhile since ... blah blah blah" ... yeah, whatever.) Anyway, INDEPENDENCE DAY TOMORROW! WOO HOO! I had fun in Boston. Mainly. Anyway, not the point. 16 days till I leave. Yay! And nay! AT THE SAME TIME! (I think I had too much soda, no?)

Anyway. I got my plane tickets and everything. And also, I got my return date.

May 23rd.

WHAT THE HELL.

I PAID for a year, I want a damn YEAR. I thought I'd GET a damn year cuz the language camp was something else, but fine, I don't get a year. BUT NOT EVEN 11 months? HELLO, EVERYONE gets 11 months. And I'm getting 10 months, 9 months with my permanent family? NINE MONTHS? That's insane. SCHOOL won't even be out then, I want to stay till the end of school. Unless it's in July ... no, I still want to stay. I know I can't go home after July 18 and that the visa will probably even make it earlier than that, but May 23rd? Thanks, but that's early! I mean, right now, it seems kinda good, actually. Like wow, I won't even miss summer or anything like that ... but chances are, knowing me, I'll eventually get attached and all and STILL!!!!

I was going to the car yesterday, and I just realized ... 16 days and I won't be driving (ok, it was 17 then but whatever). THANKS, to my program! Jeez ... blah. Anyway, whatever. I'm nervous. Hell, I spent four days in Boston and I was ready to go home! How am I going to deal with any longer? I keep thinking oh, I'll be ok, I'll deal, and I guess I will, I have to, but at the same time it's 16 days, I can't really use that "I'll be more mature and ready by then" thing, now can I??? Grrr ... Ashely to China really put it best, I guess. I don't want to say goodbye. *sighs*

Oh well. I'll have to deal. And only see Nicholas and Christopher and Matthew one more time and Nich and Critch don't understand I'm leaving and Matthew doesn't know and ahhhhhhh Friday .... and I don't even get to go out to dinner with them!!! *cries*

Okay. We're going to see Pearl Harbor later. Yippy-ki-yay or whatever.

See ya.

~ Jess

none

Jun. 20th, 2001 03:09 pm
I saw Pearl Harbor again last night. I love that movie, it makes me just ... proud. Proud to be an American. Though I wish Danny ... eh, I won't spoil it if you haven't seen it. If you have, you know *exactly* what I'm talking about. *cries*

July 19th will probably be such a long day ... the whole day up until I leave in the evening, just ... waiting. Waiting, knowing the inevitable is coming. Feeding the cats one last time. Checking my email one last time. Hugging my family one last time. *cries again* It's going to be so hard.

It hit me, when I was watching Pearl Harbor yesterday, and they were talking about the "dirty Germans" ... I'm so lucky. I get to go to the country that used to be our enemy and LIVE there and become a PART of the culture ... I can't wait to go. I'm so lucky, but it also hit me how REAL it's going to be. How real it will all be. I'll really be there for a year and months will pass and I'll go to school and eat sausages and say "Jesus Christ" like "Yay-sus krist" without even thinking (or not at all since that's supposedly offensive, though I guess that's true here too) And ... I don't know. It's all very wow.

I don't have much else to say. I wish Mom would get home so I could go out, but then I have to face my former employers at Target and ask for my last paycheck and ... and go to the gym and all and that's blah but still. I hope the simpler bikes are free. And that I can figure out how to use them, cause I'm sick of the Stairmaster (funny how easily I get sick of that, huh?!) But I want a soda. Except, the new building at the college burned down today (grrr ...) and so no one can even get past it to the little corner store to get a soda, but oh well. I want to go to the mall. I want a bikini top, except I'm broke. But my lovely little 6.99 blue bikini top from American Eagle ripped! Well, one of the halter ties did and that's enough. It's not totally ripped but I'd hate to be wearing it and suddenly have a "Hall of Shame" moment for Teen, y'know? Pray tell, can I wear a black bikini top with blue bikini bottoms? I hope so, cuz I doubt I'll find the same color top. Maybe I'll get a tankini top but I want my top it look ... heh, bigger, y'know? I'm way too little.

But oh well. I'm done rambling!!!

Bored.

Jun. 19th, 2001 06:33 pm
I'm so bored right now!!! I think I'm going to go see Pearl Harbor with my friend again tonight. I saw it before but she didn't ... but it was a really good movie so I don't mind seeing it again.

Except that I'm broke, and her mom won't let her in the car with me. But otherwise, it's cool.

"Lay all you want on me ... I'll be your whipping boy." ... heh, I love this song. Train rocks! I think they're going to just use every state in a song. First we had a girl named Virginia, now a girl named Mississippi. *shrugs* How very strange.

Uck. I'm going to brush my teeth. (Great info, right?? :) ... ooh, I'm gonna live 150 metres from the beach (read: abt 500 feet!) in just a month from today.

ACK ... I'M LEAVING MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS!!!! Weird much. *sighs*

Adios, mes amis. (I can't decide which language. *g*)

~ Jess
Look. A journal. :)

Life is so weird sometimes. I don't know why, I don't even know *what* seems so weird now. Is it that I'm leaving for Germany in ... a month? Yeah, a freaking month from tomorrow.

No, I don't think that's it.

Is it that I have SO MUCH to do, before I leave?

No, not that either.

Is it that I've suddenly reconnected with so many old friends I've missed crazily?

I don't think so.

It's everything. It's everything, all together, that makes my life weird and I can't really place it.

So what's the deal on MY life, TODAY? Not a whole lot. I went to the gym. Thinandpretty thinandpretty. <--- goal. (I know, I'm not fat. I can still have goals right???)

I'm going through missage again. It's like bouts. I'm doing the missage thing. I wouldn't do it over again, but I wouldn't take it back either. It's like a love/hate situation on my part and I want to scream and cry and cuss and everything because it's this big long two steps forward, one step back saga and it's taking forever to get there.

Fuck that.

Ich moechte. I would like. I would like I would like I would like.

I would like a lot of things.

For now, I'll deal with what I have.

My random thoughts for the day ...

avec amour .......

~ Jessie

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