When I met Mario, I told myself -- this is worth it. Whatever happens, tis better to have loved and lost.

I am 23 and should still be that naive but instead I'm jaded. I'm jaded by a man who swore he'd make an exception for me. ("Don't," I told him, months ago. "Don't do anything for me.") I am instead falling apart for someone who cant't love me like that.

"Don't you love me?" I asked, because I am stupid and vulnerable. (I was so careful at the bar not to say anything -- no matter what happened, if I said nothing I had the upper hand and could address it tomorrow, but when I got in the car I lose control.)

"Jessica, you know I'm gay," he said. "How did you think this would go?"

"It doesn't matter. You'll never hurt me as much as he did," I lied.

He will. He already has. But he could kill me before he'd ever have the satisfaction of knowing that.
I don't feel broken.

I feel annihilated.
I thought I had - was getting - my life together.

But I think maybe this is just the space where I'm falling apart.

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didvenusblowyourmind

January 2012

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