When I met Mario, I told myself -- this is worth it. Whatever happens, tis better to have loved and lost.

I am 23 and should still be that naive but instead I'm jaded. I'm jaded by a man who swore he'd make an exception for me. ("Don't," I told him, months ago. "Don't do anything for me.") I am instead falling apart for someone who cant't love me like that.

"Don't you love me?" I asked, because I am stupid and vulnerable. (I was so careful at the bar not to say anything -- no matter what happened, if I said nothing I had the upper hand and could address it tomorrow, but when I got in the car I lose control.)

"Jessica, you know I'm gay," he said. "How did you think this would go?"

"It doesn't matter. You'll never hurt me as much as he did," I lied.

He will. He already has. But he could kill me before he'd ever have the satisfaction of knowing that.
I love 10 Things I Hate About You. *sighs* I love the typical movie love story.

So will not ever, ever, ever happen to me, almost swear it. *sighs* Why is life not like the movies? I mean, not like the death movies, but the comedies or dramas or love stories or all, you know, you know? Anyway ... I guess, it's not like you're REALLY going to find the love of your life in your state ... well, that's a lie, it's totally possible, but when you live in the same town the whole time, what are the chances you'll really find someone in your state, or area, or whatever, at least someone FROM that area? Slim to none, I'd say, but whatever.

I want to go watch that movie again. I love it!

. . . dance . . .



January 2012

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