It has occurred to me lately, and by lately I mean in the past twelve minutes while I have been awake and unable to sleep, wondering, will I pass my Statistics and Philosophy finals and if not, what do I do, and questioning, what shoes do I wear with an ivory dress and can I shorten the straps between Wednesday afternoon and Thursday morning, and generally sitting around far more nervous than I'm sure any of my graduating friends are, because they have plans and I have none, other than to be graduated (and did I mention those finals?) and I am asking:

What do I get my parents, for graduation? Of course, they aren't graduating. But aren't they?

What do I get them that says thank you, that says you made me who I am, that says, I love you? What do I do to adequately convey how fucking blessed I am, to let them know I do appreciate everything they've done? That it means the world to me? That I haven't forgotten anything, not a second, that they've done everything for me? How do I say thank you for letting me go to Germany and thank you for letting me come back and thank you for paying for SEVEN years of college, and understanding when I changed my major four times and my school twice and dropped my entire second semester, thank you for understanding when I stopped school to work and when I wanted to go back, thank you for supporting me when I did things you hated, thank you for paying for twice as much school as you might have had to, thank you for helping me with tests and paying for me to retake classes when I fucked up, thank you for knowing when to give me advice and when to allow me to make my own mistakes, thank you for not berating me for those mistakes, thank you for saving me, thank you for loving me, thank you thank you thank you ...

What could I ever possibly, possibly do to ever convey any of that?
I need to be studying. I have an Anth test due TODAY, and a Physiological psych final tomorrow. 30% of my grade. I need to do well. I don't know where to begin studying.

Currently, I am working. Thankfully, I have only had normal people trying to buy country music so far, none of this car hijacking and stroke victims stuff. I am trying to save money. I did get a check in the mail from the trivia company today. $40, but it's something.

Well, I'm fairly well prepped for my Anth test. No reason not to do that between calls, right?

I want this semester to be over like ... yesterday. I just want to work, make money, live my life, kthx.

I should be studying. I have three tests tomorrow. I am prepared for none of them.

This weekend was awesome. I'm so sad it's over. Let's just say Gale Harold is fucking FLAWLESS, and us girls spent the evening with hot locals in lovely gay Chelsea. Yes, we rock so much. I can't wait to do it again.

Being home is so anticlimactic. I'm going to be home so little over the next few months. Texas, Chicago, Denver, etc.

Maryam and I were planning to enact our Ultimate Plan with [ profile] o0oktlady, hopefully, but unfortunately I do have a test that Friday, so there's no way we can be there. I'm sorry, Katie! It would've been awesome if we could have done it while you were there, but there is no way I can skip a test.

I need to work more. Maybe I should become a sex texter. Haha.

Okay. I'll post something later. I'm out.

Okay, so it's 3:05 am and I still have a couple hours of homework left. Unfortunately, I must go to all my classes tomorrow, so I have to be up by 9:00. This begs the question of, upon completion of said homework (which includes two essays, a chapter of psych reading, and some psych questions) ... do I go to bed, or attempt to stay up? I feel that if I fall asleep, I'll just feel worse when I wake up. However, I won't be getting home until 10:00 PM, and that will undoubtedly make me very, very tired, and I have to study then and get up again for my Stats quiz Wednesday morning.

Oh, choices. Plus, you know, the whole attempt to not fall asleep in class or while driving. Logically, I feel like I should be able to stay up late -- after all, I did sleep very, very late today. However, I also went to bed very, very late.

I don't suppose typing online is really helping me, and the four Dr. Peppers don't seem to be doing much, either.

I think I'll go watch the guaranteed-to-be-depressing BJ fanvid I downloaded, and then return to homework. Probably with a happier vid in between, or sadness will ensue.

246 words down, 1554 to go.

T-6 hours to go.
And I won't tell them your name.

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
'Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away

93% on my math test ... that gives me a 94% in my math class. If I could keep that up, I would be in heaven. I have not gotten an A on a report card in math since I was nine years old.
oh, yuck. wrote my dialogue AND posted it. ick. gonna be in hell! creative writing seemed better before i had to actually worry about writing and all ... ick.



Jan. 29th, 2002 04:35 pm
I've been so psycho-crazy-posting today, why not do it some more?

I love the weather. It's like spring. I used to cry when it didn't snow in the winter. Now I'm getting to be like all the grown-ups who always ... always hated the snow. When did I get to be like that?

Oh, I don't care. It's nice outside. When it's cold, even if it's sunny, it makes me sad. But it's nice.

I like my school. Even when I hate the classes. I like it because I can say, LOOK AT ME. LOOK WHAT I CAN DO. LOOK WHAT I DID RIGHT. (Look what I didn't fail ...). I can say look ... I shouldn't be here and I am and I can do it. Me. I can do something on my own. Isn't that just crazy? Me.

I have three hours of government tonight. I think I'll fall asleep and surely want to drop the class soon. But, oh well. I can do it. Right? Right?!

I just blow hot and cold here, huh? I need a job ...

But it doesn't matter.

Maybe, if I smile real pretty and fake it real good, people will be convinced that I'm happy. Maybe I will be too. (It doesn't matter that I never was before, there's a first time for everything.)

I'm already losing touch with people in Germany. That's so evil of me. (But there's still time, right? There's always time ...)

It's been a year since Bio. I can't believe that. It feels long ago but it seems like it shouldn't feel so long ago. (Like when that girl died. I can't believe how weird time is.)

I need to lose weight. I don't have the willpower to be anoerxic and I'm scared of vomiting. (That's a good thing because I don't really want to be anorexic or bulimic, just pretty. Thin. I hate the stereotype of beauty.)

I have things to do. This weekend. Me. With plans. (Can you imagine, people want to hang out with me?) That's so weird. Maybe it'll be fun. If I can just get myself to be happy, and not just wear a happy mask. (I have bad habits, ok? They'll go away.)

I like this weather. It's really pretty.



January 2012

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