Why?

[didvenusblowyourmind]

Why do I do this? Why do I push people away? Austin IMed me today and offered to take me out to lunch. And I said no. Because I have class. I do have class. But I doubt I really need that long to get ready.

I push and I push and I push and I expect people to keep coming back. And they do. But after awhile they give up. I don't know how I make friends in the first place, with how I act.

Why won't I do it? What am I scared of? I'm scared of people viewing me as fat or depressed or annoying or anything else. That's what I'm scared of. Only, it's not. There's something else that I can't pinpoint.

And people wonder why I have such an attitude. I have such an attitude because I'm scared to have anything else. If I act like a bitch the whole time, no one pegs me as shy or insecure. There's an excuse for everything in being bitchy.

All these fucking broken links. They're going to eat me alive.

It's like that song.I don't even remember which one, but I think it's by Sarah McLachlan.

About the shadows. All the damn shadows.

And you know? I'm not even in a bad mood right now.

love,
J

Comments

[meiran.livejournal.com]

You know, I tend to push people away too. It's a defense mechanism, and it's not always a bad one. *hugs* I know it's got to be hard readjusting, and I'm sorry that I haven't messaged or emailed to say that I'm glad that you're back and here again : ) I've been so swamped with finishing up J-term.

But now we're both back, and things will start to heal soon : )